so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
