You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
