Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize