so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
