Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
