if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize