...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
