you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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