i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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