Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
