He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Randomize
