walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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