There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Randomize
