Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
