At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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