I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize