I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
