All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
