look no pants
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
