I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
