I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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