I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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