Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
