i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
