YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
