Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
