Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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