At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
