I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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