I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize