Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
