if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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