I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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