Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
