look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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