chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
