Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
