he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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