as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
