it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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