Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
