walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Quick, to the slutcave!
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
