I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
