dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
