just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
