it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
