i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
