hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
