Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
