My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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