When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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