There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Shame - the story of my life.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
