Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
