No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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