Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
