He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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