That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
