mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize