she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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