is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
