She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
