3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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