That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
