I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
