The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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