I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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