Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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