i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
