You smell like a Billy Joel song
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
