ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
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