how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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