matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
