Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
40s are totally the cure
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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